Do you remember our last night? If you recall it was a sleepless one...
It was the eve of my departure to New York. A and V had arranged a goodbye
party for me in our favorite restaurant. They gave me books and letters
full of promises of never ending friendship. We cried a little, hugged a
lot.
Then you texted me... You asked where I was and said you needed to spend
this last night with me, that you knew it would be torturous but had to do
it all the same. I told you where I was and asked you to pick me up.
My friends didn't understand why I would be doing this to myself after how
you wronged me, betrayed me, pushed and pulled... But my whole body was in
need of yours.
You walked in. They barely looked at you, they hated you. But you didn't
care. You didn't say hello to anyone, you stood there and looked at me. I
put my jacket on, said my goodbyes and followed you outside in the cold
night.
We headed in silence to your apartment, which used to be ours. We
didn't speak, there was nothing to say.
When we entered the building you grabbed my hand, held it tightly and led me
upstairs to the 6th floor. I was sad. I was happy. I was resigned.
Resigned to our imminent separation. I would be 6,000 kilometers away
tomorrow. I wouldn't be able to look at you, touch you, breathe you, and I
wanted to make sure that I would remember this night forever. And after
almost 10 years, as you can see, it's as vivid in my memory as it was the
day after.
You opened the door. You didn't turn the lights on but I could still see you
and guess the look in your eyes. You got closer to me, stood in front of
me. We weren't touching, we just faced each other closely for what seemed
to be a long time. I could hear your breathing, smell the musk on your skin
- to this day I avoid any contact with that scent. Then you finally kissed
me and I instantly wanted to cry. That familiar kiss. How was I supposed
to live without it?
Very slowly we undressed each other and you led me to the bed.
We made love and cried all night, made promises we both knew we
wouldn't keep but it felt necessary to imagine the life we would never have
together. And yes, for the first time in a year and a half, you made me
come. How ironic. That was your goodbye present. It was also a poisonous
gift because, while I knew you had been sleeping with someone else, I could
also feel it, sense it in your gestures, in the way you moved.
When the sun came up we said our goodbyes. Physically separating from you
was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It still is. I remember being in the
bathroom and telling my reflection in the mirror: "This is a little bit of
me dying." And it was. I believe a part of me stayed in this
apartment, on the 6th floor of 16, rue Colonna d'Istria in Nice.
Eventually I had to just leave and close the door.
I walked to my house very fast. I imagined what New York would look like
for real... I would be there in no more than 12 hours. The city I had
been dreaming of ever since I was a child. I imagined a new
life, a life without you. My phone buzzing in my jacket pocket
distracted me from my daydream. It was a text message from
you. It simply said: "Je t'aime". I did not reply.
wouldn't keep but it felt necessary to imagine the life we would never have
together. And yes, for the first time in a year and a half, you made me
come. How ironic. That was your goodbye present. It was also a poisonous
gift because, while I knew you had been sleeping with someone else, I could
also feel it, sense it in your gestures, in the way you moved.
When the sun came up we said our goodbyes. Physically separating from you
was the hardest thing I ever had to do. It still is. I remember being in the
bathroom and telling my reflection in the mirror: "This is a little bit of
me dying." And it was. I believe a part of me stayed in this
apartment, on the 6th floor of 16, rue Colonna d'Istria in Nice.
Eventually I had to just leave and close the door.
I walked to my house very fast. I imagined what New York would look like
for real... I would be there in no more than 12 hours. The city I had
been dreaming of ever since I was a child. I imagined a new
life, a life without you. My phone buzzing in my jacket pocket
distracted me from my daydream. It was a text message from
you. It simply said: "Je t'aime". I did not reply.
